I know, you’ve barely survived Christmas and yet there are less than 30 days to Valentine’s Day. We have solved this problem in our house by ignoring this wretched Hallmark excuse for a holiday, until one of us remembers what day it is, eyes the other up and says “Wanna?” That solves the dilemma of what to give your loved one very nicely at Chez Moi, thank you very much, but I understand other people get a bit more consumerist about the whole thing.

Valentines gifts I would like to buy but can’t because they won’t ship to Ireland:

• Custom Sharpies. Not only are these an excellent boy gift, but they come in 8 very groovy colours, too. And really, who doesn’t love Sharpies? Especially a Sharpie that says “This is MY pen. Back off, bitch.” Which, apparently, they won’t print for you anyway.
• Custom M&Ms. In Valentines Day colours, even. Not very much type fits on there, though, so I was planning to abbreviate my romantic sentiment to “Happy VD!” Which, again, it seems they would have declined to print.

I suspect the reasons they won’t ship abroad have nothing to do with postage and tracking issues. They just don’t understand our sophisticated European humour. The frustrations of not being able to purchase these is almost enough to make a gal wish she lived in New Jersey. But not really.

Anyway, this considerably narrows my Valentines horizons, but there are a few items I’ve been keeping an eye on that you can use as gifts until my next marriage:

• Meg Pickard’s new Valentine’s Day cards off of Moo, about which she’s very excited. Unfortunately, she doesn’t have one that says “Wanna?” yet, but I’m planning a campaign for next year.
• Obviously, if you are a single girl, you are obligated to be the Valentine’s Fairy for all of your single girlfriends, showering them with cute cards, little pressies and pounds of chocolate. I suggest these very fabulous Friendship Rings. They work out at about €3.50 each!
• Custom cartoons! I love the superhero idea, though this may have something to do with my childhood obsession with my Wonder Woman Underoos. Which, tragically, do not come in an adult size marked Lard Arse.

Should you wish to buy Irish, however, I can recommend Cocoa Bean Chocolates. For an excellent gift, you can buy one bar in each of five snazzy colours, wrap each bar in matching knickers tied with a bow, and give them to the woman you lust. Who will very likely then let you into her knickers, but not her chocolate stash.