Cruel and Unusual Punishment
13 Feb 2008 | Filed Under: Crankypants + Domesticities
Last night, my husband left the heat on before coming to bed, and I woke up this morning to find myself in the middle of the menopause.
“Wow, that was sooner than I expected,” I thought.
The bed was drenched, the sheets were drenched, I was drenched. I swam my way downstairs, made a cup of coffee, and promptly vomited it back up five minutes later.
“Oh God, watch me be up the duff,” I thought.
From menopause to pregnancy in 20 minutes. Never an auspicious start to the day.
Before anyone gets too excited, I am not pregnant. Or in the middle of menopause, for that matter, although I don’t think anyone throws you a party or buys you booties for that. I’m about to turn 36, and am entering the statistical sphere where one is every bit as unlikely as the other.
My only real concern is this. The last time I seriously hurled, it was shortly after eating a chocolate eclair. I proceeded to be sick approximately 24 times in the next four hours, and ended up in hospital with a severe and life-threatening case of appendicitis and peritonitis. I have not been able to eat an eclair since, despite the fact I know full well pastry was not the root of the problem.
After a particularly hard-core fraternity party in the 90s, I still have the same issue with Jagermeister 15 years later. To this day, the merest whiff sends me running for the nearest wastepaper basket. And after my recent episode of accidental drunkness, I have had to stop wearing the perfume I wore that night, because the smell just induces instant, gagging hangover.
I can live a happy and fulfilling existence without babies, I can waft through life without Anais Anais, and I can make it through the rest of my days without eclairs.
I cannot, however, survive without coffee.
Sinéad says:
Oooh you poor thing, I get it though, I definitely couldn’t live with coffee either. I *can* and do however live without Jack Daniels (which once prompted me to vomit all over the GF at a house party - classy).
The body is a strange thing. I sincerely hope you managed NOT to hurl subsequent cups up.
Wednesday, 13 February, 2008, 2:42 pmsachi Vixen says:
It’s lovely to read your humour some place on the net. You’re missed lady!
Wednesday, 13 February, 2008, 3:26 pmomar says:
now this is one sad tale… good luck.
Wednesday, 13 February, 2008, 3:50 pmKevanB says:
Campari. That is what does it to me. The faintest whiff and can feel the first heave. And it was somewhat more than 15 years ago.
Wednesday, 13 February, 2008, 7:19 pmLaura says:
oh i feel the same way about tequila. wait, not that i can’t live without tequila, but that it induces the gag reflex….
Friday, 15 February, 2008, 11:05 amyou get it.
love your blog!
CronoCloud Creeggan says:
Anais Anais would make anyone retch, it is pants! :-) I hope that you continue to be able to drink your stimulant brew. Vile stimulant brew, because to me, the scent of coffee is pants! Twas Kit Meredith that pointed me here (http://kitmeredith.blogspot.com) Always wishing you the best.
Saturday, 16 February, 2008, 3:16 amSabrina Dent says:
Update: Coffee is still good to go. Apparently my body found the idea of living without it more objectionable than the idea of drinking it again.
Thank GOD for that.
Feel free to send tequila, Campari and Jack Daniels my way :)
Sunday, 17 February, 2008, 6:03 pm